Chapter 5: Landlord

Well the trip to Kyoto was in fact was an eventful one, namely because the sorry excuse of a wedding car suddenly broke down in the middle of nowhere, eventually reducing our favorite newlyweds to a pair of squabbling preschooler kids.

“DAMNIT! You have no right to take me away from them! My sisters need me to protect them from those scums!” Tatsuki yelled as she furiously wiped away the tears from her eyes.

“SCUMS?” Renji echoed back, clearly insulted that she had labeled men as scums, including him. “Then what about your old man? Don’t tell me he is also a scum!”

“Papa does not even count!”

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At the Ukitake household,

“Cough! Cough! Hack! Ptui! Eh? What is this?” Jyuushiro wondered as he held a tiny, slimy, wet object, dripping with blood, in the palm of his hand.

“What is it? Let me see!” Shunsui enquired, peering at the object with everyone crowding around him. He gave it a poke.

“So warm and squishy! I want to poke some more!” Shunsui concluded before continuing to prod the said thing that made a very loud squishy sound.

Whereas Nanao, upon sensing the familiarity of the item, whipped out a thick medical book out of nowhere and started to refer to it. After finding what she wanted, she then deadpanned: “Shunsui, that’s an uvula.”

“What’s an uvula?” Someone asked while the curious crowd nodded alongside with the person.

“It is a small mass of fleshy tissue that hangs from the back of the soft palate. Without it, it will lead to death.” Nanao read out to her awaiting audience. Upon hearing that, Shunsui shrieked like a girl before fainting on the spot, followed by Jyuushiro.

“Shit! Everyone stay calm! Everyone take a deep breath!” Nanao commanded, taking control of the situation. A moment of silence followed where the whole household, including Nanao, obeyed and then …

“KYAHHHH!”

“SOMEONE GET THE MEDIC!”

“SOMEBODY GET THE ICE BAG!”

“HERE, USE THIS!”

“ICE BAG! NOT ICE-CREAM YOU DOOFUS!”

“WE DON’T HAVE ONE!”

“FINE! PASS THE ICE-CREAM!”

In the mad rush to send the uvula for surgery, no one noticed that they had taken the unconscious Shunsui instead of Jyuushiro with them to the hospital.

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Back to our ‘loving’ duo, they had finally reach Renji’s apartment without any mishaps at three in the morning. Upon reaching, they were so tired to continue with their debate on whether men are scums, they headed straight to his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed without any complaints.

The next day, Renji was rudely awakened by loud banging on his apartment door.

“Damnit! Who is the SOB calling at this hour?” Renji snarled as he tried to shift to a much comfortable position, doing his best to drown out the loud knocking on his apartment door and return back to his dream of ravishing his dragon goddess. It was then he noticed something was amiss in his bed.

Firstly, his cheeks were cupped by small, delicate but callous hands. Secondly, one of his palms was caressing on a soft and squishy mound. Feeling a sense of deja vu, he opened his eyes and found himself gazing at his draconian spouse who was in the midst of waking up due to the loud and persistent ringing of the doorbell. Both of them stared at each other with a ‘loving’ gaze and then …

The whole building shook with a loud yell of “HENTAI!!!” followed by a loud slap. Upon hearing the loud scream, the three guests: a straw blonde guy wearing a funny looking striped green hat, a bespectacled muscled packed man with a wiry thin moustache, and a golden cat-eyed lady with a very dark skin complexion, who were waiting outside Renji’s door, stopped their torture on the door and the doorbell. After a few quiet moments, they were finally greeted by a scowling Renji with an additional five-finger print mark on his face.

“Whadda ya want?!” Renji demanded as he glared daggers at his three unwanted visitors. The stripe hat guy fanned himself and then cooed “Why freeloader-san? Can’t we visit you?” His two other companions rolled their eyes at him.

“No! Don’t call me freeloader! I’ve already paid my monthly rent, in advance, even bought my groceries too!”

Meanwhile, after recovering from her morning shock, Tatsuki called out: “Oei Renji-teme! Who’s at the door!”

“Nobody important Tsuki-chan.” Renji returned, trying to shut the door but to no avail, as the trio had invited themselves into his apartment and were settling in the living room.

“Get out!” he yelled as he ran after them, hoping that they haven’t made themselves too comfortable yet.

“Why freeloader-san, how can you be so cruel?” The striped hat guy covered his face and sobbed, causing Renji’s eye to twitch in irritation at his D-grade performance.

“Who are these cosplayers?” Tatsuki, coming into the room, asked, causing them to sweat drop at her interesting description of them.

“Nobody Tsuki-chan,” Renji answered, at the same time the landlord remarked: “Why freeloader-san, I don’t remember letting you bring women here.” That was enough to make Renji’s face color match the color of his hair.

“Look Tessai, he’s turning into a baboon!” the molten eyed beauty commented to the muscled packed guy. Renji had to force himself to count to ten or else he would have thrown his landlord and his friends out of his apartment.         

“Kisuke Urahara at your service, this lady over there is my girlfriend, Yoruichi Shihouin. So young lady, do you want to be a part of a threesome?” Kisuke asked as he winked suggestively at her. Renji smashed his marble tabletop whereas Tatsuki smiled at the lecherous landlord and she started punching him.

A few hours later …

“I apologize for making that kind of pass to you.” Kisuke nasally muttered as he nursed his bruised bumps. “For your compensation, I will be your personal slave.”

“Go to hell! Pervert!”

Before Tatsuki could get a chance to stomp him, Kisuke quickly spoke “Anyway that reminds me of a day when Renji was in college ….”
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Flashback …

“Drats! I forgot to bring my house keys!” A drunk Renji cursed as he fumbled through his pockets for the said item. “Great! I’m locked out of my house. How am I gonna to get in?”

While racking his fuzzy mind for ideas, he noticed an open window of his landlord’s apartment.

“Goody! I can get into my apartment thru there.” Renji slurred, forgetting the fact that his apartment was one floor above his landlord’s, due to the alcohol impairing his sense of judgment. He quickly rushed down the stairs to head towards the giant maple that was leaning next to the hostel. Renji then scaled up the tree with an amazing speed and flexibility to enter the apartment thru the window. He was congratulating himself on his ‘brilliance’ when his train of thoughts screeched to a halt upon realizing he had just entered into a nightmare that every man would be willing to give up his teeth just to be in. Right before his very own eyes, he was greeted by Yoruichi in her naked glory, who had woken up in the middle of the night to fix herself a snack.
      
“Yo! What are you doing here?” Yoruichi asked, not even bothering to cover herself for modesty. As she sauntered towards the suddenly sobered Renji, he quickly backpedaled away from her. Every step forward she took, Renji took two steps backwards, trying to avoid her reach as he was at the time in love with Rukia. Renji continued doing so until the back of his leg hit the window ledge causing him to fall off the ledge and back to the outside with a heavy thud. From then on, Renji always remembered to bring his house keys along with him.
End of flashback
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Upon finishing his tale, Kisuke found himself earning strange looks from his two tenants; he then gave a nervous chuckle when he noticed Renji’s foot was tapping with impatience.

“Ah… since you are newlyweds … all you really need is one nice… hot steaming … Arabian …” Urahara Kisuke drawled slowly and painfully like sharpened claws scratching a chalkboard.
The newly wed couple paled as both of them thought along the lines of ‘shit! Don’t tell me he is telling us to have a wild tumble in bed’. Renji and Tatsuki gulped even harder as forbidden and very mature rated images rushed through their minds like a fifty footer truck. For Renji it was Tatsuki’s face photo shopped onto Yoruichi’s nude body moving towards him with a sultry look and seductive movements. Whereas for Tatsuki, it consisted of a hot steamy bathroom and a nude Renji stepping out of it with just a small bath towel covering his bare essential. After reviewing those torturous images for what seemed to last for hours, Kisuke found himself rudely interrupted when two demonic looking adults glared at him.

“I dare you to finish it!” Renji and Tatsuki bellowed at him, looking ready to spill his guts, consequences be damned.

“My, my, I didn’t know both of you could think so alike and so dirty. … Nescafe coffee and a boxful of dark Belgium chocolate will do wonders to your life.” Kisuke cheekily finished off as he leered suggestively at them, obviously having a ball of a time. But that was short lived as he found himself being trampled and stomped on by the two enraged demons.

“Die! How dare you corrupt our innocence like that!” the two demons roared as they vented their frustrations on him, both spotting blood filled faces and their noses were leaking life-giving juice upon closer observation.  

“You know for an IQ of 5,800, he can be such a moron.” Yoruichi muttered to the muscled bound man and he nodded in agreement with her, watching a very brutal demise of Renji’s landlord as they settled themselves to a cozy corner of Renji’s apartment helping themselves to a very hearty breakfast.

T.B.C .